Viking Remains a Mystery

By Klikitat Lampoon staff reporter John Thomas

KLIKITAT-- In the wake of the Kennewick Man and the furor he stirred up another discovery in Washington was rumored to have been made recently which may substantiate the Viking origins postulated for the Kennewick Man. An unnamed source provided pictures of a skeleton with artifacts proving his Viking origins and revealed the story of the discovery as he and his friends reminisced over a ritual sharing of ale at a recent gathering of the rather eclectic group who had met to honor the memory of the deceased.

"We found him in the pit I was digging for a cooler," explained one young man, staring into the foaming ale, his serious expression revealing the impact the discovery had made on him. He pointed to the picture of the uncovered remains and the items which had been placed with obvious ceremony and care in the grave with the skeleton.

"We called a local expert and asked him to come out and take a look," another member of the group said, a large man with a commanding presence who was said to be the leader of a small exclusive group of Reformed Druids.

It was concluded by the experts consulted, who asked not to be identified at this time, that he had trekked across a great distance to the wilderness spot where he was found. The helmet he was wearing was made of some technologically advanced, but unidentified material, and of a style rumored to have existed among the ancient Norse but unknown until this discovery. That he was undoubtedly Norse was proven by the empty drekkahorn (a ritual drinking horn) laid in the grave. Among the rib bones were found a bronze necklace with a heavy ornamented ceremonial item resembling a Thor's Hammer, an amulet worn by many later Norse in in the Northern European areas well into Christian times. The axe and spear head were also of remarkable workmanship and had survived the burial while the wooden shafts had long since rotted away.

"We're sure he was pre-Christian," another of the group, a heavy-set woman of indeterminate years who was identified only as an Asatru priestess. "He had a spare rib. That and the Thor's hammer are suggestive of his dedication to some very old gods, even here on this continent." Another picture was provided, along with comments of there having been teeth marks which showed that the ribs had been chewed by some large dog-like animals, but they also revealed knife marks prompting speculations of an ancient method of inflicting a ritual death mentioned in the Icelandic sagas.

The small white stones scattered among the ribs were found to be made of a ceramic substance with runes impressed in them. The material was identified as coming from what is now China and of a primitive craftsmanship.

"We think that he probably looked like John Wayne in _The Barbarians_" the leader of the Druidic sect explained soberly. Hails of "Circle the Yurts!" were raised by the assembled group as they lifted horns similar to the one found in the grave to the sky and then drank in what they called a minne or drink in remembrance of this ancient relative, a lost twig on the branch of the World Tree.

When asked where the remains were at the present time the group grew resolute. "He's buried in an undisclosed area," one of the men revealed finally. "We didn't want to have him subjected to the indignity of examination and being dragged through court with people squabbling over him like a pack of dogs over an old bone...after all, it looks pretty much like he's already been chewed over pretty good as it is and it just didn't seem right," another member of the group explained to the nodding agreement of the rest. When concern was expressed by this reporter concerning the propriety of such actions, he was assured that the burial had been done with all appropriate concern and ritual.

"Since we can't be sure he didn't leave a few descendents around here," the Asatru priestess said, "we selected one of the people native to this area from the group who is Native American, Celtic, German and of other national extraction, to do the appropriate blessing of the remains." Although the group declined to discuss specifics concerning the ritual. She was said to have called on the protective elements of the universe, giving thanks to them and to the spirits that had looked over the long buried bones. Runes were chanted over him as he was laid to rest again.

"We were all awestruck," said one of the men concerning the ceremony held over the bones, "something I will remember for as long as I live." The others in the group nodded assent, again toasting the individual with another round of ale.